And the void grows....

My heart is empty today. And it grows little every second. There is no fear or worry or sorrow or even anger. I'm just blank. I don't know which path to take or what move to make. It's funny to even think that just 6 months ago how sure I was about what I wanted, what decisions I had to make.
I never believed in predicting about tomorrow but I always planned for it. But now I'm not sure about tomorrow. Tomorrow seems to be so far away, out of my reach.
Yesterday is like a faded dream from which I have suddenly woken up. And so I am stuck in today. Isn't it suppose to to be a gift(that's why we call it a present). But I feel like I've been caged.
Six months ago,
I had my pride, I had achievements, great reputation.
Today I am nothing, just another face in the crowd.
Just another teenager aspiring to become a successful fashion designer.
In the last 6 months things have gone from bad to very bad to worst. My achievements have lost their value. The mementos and trophy are sitting in a corner of the store room stuffed in a box,awaiting a moment when all is put right and I find meaning back to my life. For now I just want to find a path to walk on. A path that doesn't lead to failing and disappointing my parents.
For now I don't see a silver lining.
But hopefully there will be one in the next year. I desperately want to forget this year like it never came. Well not the whole of it. The first six months had their pleasantness. It's actually the last 6 months which have proved to be a nightmare.
I feel worse for mom and dad,since they are the once who had to suffer the most. I realised that I've been a little selfish to think only of myself  and my problems all this time. But I'm trying.....
Trying to cope with all this chaos.
I can't stop, I can't give up not when I have my family beside me. Their hopes and dreams are connected to me. So people HERE 'S TO NEVER GIVING UP.

Flashback

Today I'm going to take you on a ride to my past. Even if for some it might come to be a not so fun and intereting but for me it's been a long walk of making mistakes and learning from them. It make who I presently am.
Childhood was at most  normal. My parents revealed  to me that I used to be very curious. My head was always busy fiddling with questions. For my folks it was partly annoying and partly a sign that I was going to grow up to be smart and inquisitive.
Coming to an crucial time of my life, it was my dearest irritation brother SID's birth. He is 4 years younger than me. So if I go to my parents with a complain about him, I always get the same dialogue-"You were the one who begged god to bless you with a brother and now you can't compromise with him ". I'm pretty sure that compromise and sacrifice are two different things. But I don't mind sacrificing. I love him with my heart and soul. My life would be unbearably empty without him. And he does have a very cubby cheeks. Other than that there is absolutely nothing similar between us.
    Childhood was filled with innocence and imagination. One of my very first memory of me playing with colours is at the age of 7 when my dad gifted me with a set watercolours. I couldn't even draw a straight line then, but there was something that mesmerized me. Every color was so vibrant and so lush. It made me believe that I could do wonders. And even though the frog looked more fun like a ladybug, my parents liked it (at least pretended to). Today it has grown from a favourite hobby to a passion.
My dad could never settle anywhere as he kept changing his jobs. Most of the time it was to provide us with better comfort and shelter. Even though the memories are not crystal clear, sometimes glimpses of those adventures comes before my eyes.
The visit to Bhutan is the most accurate one I have. I remember the long curvy roads up the hill. The clear blue sky and my mother grunting and complaining beside me about how dizzy and nauseous she felt due to the change in altitude. My dad love hillside, it's obvious as he is a Mining Engineer. But my mother after that experience detest hills and mountain.
My love is the ocean. It my dream to have my own BEACH HOUSE one day. I want to wake up to the smell of sea the and reminisce about my past looking at the rosy sun dip under the horizon promising a better tomorrow.
My father say it's good to dream big. To hope for the best and have a positive outlook. But I fear.... I fear what if my dreams remain dreams and never become reality.
What will happen then........

New day, start anew.

Writing doesn't come naturally to me neither does maths or physics, especially chemistry. Being a good girl also doesn't come naturally to me. In reality I'm reckless. But for the last 5 years that side of me has been dormant. Why? Cause that reckless person causes damage and hurt. I don't regret it . Because it's been good 5 years.
 So why am I writing. Is it because I'm bored, is it because my life has been overturned in the last two month and I am deeply depressed or is it because that dormant side of me is trying to break out. I can think of one good enough reason - lets try something new.
Hello everyone I'm Shine. I'm here not just to help other fat, chubby,little bit confused teens like me out there but I'm also trying to figure myself out. So if it gets to depressing and boring for you don't waste your time listening to me. But if you would like to hear the views of a teen who would also share her personal stories then 'Namaste'.
I'm a sort of girl who daydreams a lot and is a pessimist most of the time. I think it's natural in teens. But what's unnatural in me is I'm too concerned with it all. I'm too concerned with my life, my future, my family even my passion to some extent. My mom says I am different that others my age. I like to see the practical side of things rather than believing in fantasy. By my experience if you walk down the fantasy lane and then if suddenly reality hit you, you end up muddled and confused with life. Some who are brave and know how to accept and move on, they survive and years later when they look back they may have laugh out of it while sharing their stories. But for other acceptance it hard. That's when the bleach comes in.
My opinion always be prepared for the worst always have your family beside you. Because even if you stumble and fall they will always extend a hand to help you up. But never stop believing and loving yourself cause that's what gives you the strength to start walking again. Being a teen is hard but also fun. These are the memories we hold on to when life gets tough with the competitions and mortgage and taxes.
But remember never stop dreaming and also eating. Cause baby the sun may set today but it'll rise again tomorrow. So till tomorrow.